I can't get over the fact that, no matter how hard I try, this particular tweet is going absolutely nowhere.

RT @TeamCoco: Get to know @conoroberst and @phoebe_bridgers, #CONAN's most musical Production Assistants. https://t.co/4W4IE9K1k4 https://t.co/gqafvjj0st

“Most quotes attributed to Mark Twain were actually said by someone else” - Mark Twain

Sad to see Buttigieg’s momentum fading before I ever really learned how to spell his name.

.@JimGaffigan and I bonded over our shocking whiteness and half-assed careers. https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/pe0IkHD85v

Great candy bar: Charleston Chew. Not as great:  Myrtle Beach Masticator.

You’ve been married a long time when the trail of rose petals she left you goes to the lawn mower

Does anyone with false teeth refer to them as their Tongue's Cool New Stepdad?

Just bought a white noise machine which only plays sounds of Joe Biden reading TV guide recaps of Succession.

I behaved like an ass at The @OxfordUnion. https://t.co/DK45DstegF

Forget cars, is anyone working on a self-driving government?

British comics like @veitchtweets love my humor. #UKInfluencer https://t.co/23q0xG8WKk

DC just announced the title for their next sequel, "Joker: Steeper Stairs"

Taken moments before I was asked to leave the British Museum. #UKInfluencer https://t.co/lcJ89vJaO6

This fancy London hotel won't change me. #UKInfluencer https://t.co/mpjZcSRr8q

Today, I bashed people on Twitter, ate junk food and went to a strip club. How did you celebrate “President’s Day”?

This week on my podcast, @JuddApatow and I discussed serious issues like insecurity, decay, and bundt cakes. https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/zTlgTmJUl8

Scientists have detected an unexplainable radio signal coming from space. In other words, now even God has a podcast.

Gwyneth Paltrow's Netflix series spends a lot of time telling you how to put things in and not enough on how to get them out.

“Is your name Prefrontal Cortex? Because I can’t get you out of my mind without serious damage.”  #ValentinesDay