Didn't realize "bottomless" mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.

I don’t want to make Machine Gun Kelly jealous, but the first time I met Megan Fox, she said “I smell panic.”

Spoke with a dermatologist from my hometown. Hear me try to secure an appointment @ https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/TN4qjo2BwF

Haven’t watched “Scenes From a Marriage” yet, but my wife loves it and keeps shouting “nailed it!” at the TV.

Pizza is like sex: I walked in on my parents having it once.

Good news out of Washington- I don’t have to Google “what is the debt ceiling” again for 5 weeks.

Jake Gyllenhaal stared into my soul and I saw horror in his eyes. https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/HZ1bfMSG4u

How bored am I? I know all the characters in the Progressive cinematic universe.

Sad to think in a few weeks this Spirit Halloween store will be a different Spirit Halloween store.

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

This week, a fan helped me workshop my obituary. @NYTObits, take note. https://t.co/pfOk23nSHZ https://t.co/vM4dcmYpsd

Squid Game is a lot like growing up with 5 siblings, except the winner got to pick what was on TV that night.

This Facebook/Instagram fiasco is why I always keep five Earthlink CDs on my person at all times.

Finally confronted @AndersonCooper about why he never contacts me when he's visiting L.A. https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/47lIUNFxda

I'm worried I offended my Uber driver because he didn't offer me any cryptocurrency tips.

I've reached a point in my life where I'm ready to start talking about starting meditation in 5 years.

Even the woodpeckers in L.A. love modern architecture: https://t.co/EdUiBc5V4V

I love it when a fan starts off the podcast by calling me "Lord O'Brien." https://t.co/pfOk23nSHZ https://t.co/INxNrlLZkm

Listen, if you don't want to know how to cleanly dismember a body, then don't ask what I'd do for a Klondike bar.

A G7 summit without Angela Merkel?  Stop the world, I want to get off.