A baby scorpion doesn’t look so scary from this ceiling fan I’m clinging to.

“How are you doing?” has never felt like such an attack.

As my hair grows, so do my powers... https://t.co/BqVGj4s8VI

At this rate, the rate at which rates are increasing will increase at unprecedented rates.

I just wrote Congress, urging them to investigate my belief that the U.S. is tampering with the 2020 election.

Don't let this photo fool you, @SeanHayes and I had a very serious, joke-free conversation on my podcast. Listen @ https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/HHX1m2lpf0

I'm hearing conflicting stories in the news so just to clarify - does Putin have to vote in-person or can he still use a mail-in ballot?

Thanks to the heatwave, you can now get a picture on Hollywood Boulevard with “tank top Darth Vader” and “thong Elmo.”

Dear Fans: I promise never to use explosives or anything flammable when I reveal my gender to you.

I love my fans. They are creative, passionate, and made entirely of cardboard. https://t.co/5h8Fp6rPXQ

"Keeping Up With the Kardashians” has been canceled, but luckily I can still keep up with all the action thanks to their column in “The Paris Review.”

Okay, it's been over 135 years. I think we're ready for a second English Muffin brand.

Spoke to my friend and former writer @deoncole about his career trajectory, the power of laughter, and his Gucci luggage. https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/vrEYW2kvA1

If I were ever in a plane that was going down, I hope I would have the bravery to step up and say "Don't worry everyone, I'LL crash this plane."

The hardest part of returning to our old lives will be talking ourselves into wearing denim.

I can't believe the pandemic was renewed for another season.

Bad news: the Libertarian convention has been canceled due to participants’ moms being unwilling to give them a ride.

I just learned that for the last 5 years, what I thought was my “wife" was just a cardboard MLB cutout.

Thanks to @MichelleObama for having me on her podcast and letting me share my bizarre theories on marriage and children. Check it out @ https://t.co/Q0Tr4HD858. https://t.co/2mXvZr15Lg

I’m really excited to be on @MichelleObama’s podcast tomorrow. Hear it exclusively on @Spotify @ https://t.co/Q0Tr4HD858 https://t.co/AWdEs8mWp8