I can’t believe this jellyfish has a better sense of style than me. https://t.co/na5a6yqZWr

Just stepped out of the shower and caught a glimpse of my scrawny ass in the bathroom mirror. I concede defeat. https://t.co/sQhZ5hQLto

One of my guests may have been the last person to see Orson Welles alive. The other was on "The King Of Queens." @MeredthSalenger @PattonOswalt https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/JmSl78rUEW

If Mike Tyson can fight Jake Paul for $50 million, I will fight Stephen Merchant for $30 million. It’s being dubbed “Battle of the Pool Noodles.”

It’s a slippery slope from woke M&M’s to Same-Skittle marriage.

Talked to a fan who offered to show me around Reykjavik’s penis museum. Had to tell him I’ve been 27 times. https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/sb79qGUonx

Very excited that my friend @MosesStorm's first comedy special is out now on @HBOMax. Check it out @ https://t.co/NF2YVKq1yB https://t.co/ehfFeTSvzw

A hacker has taken control of 25 Teslas, which explains why right now I’m driving through Bucktail, Nebraska.

Since Prince Andrew was stripped of his military titles, Britain has never been more vulnerable to attack.

I charged Bowen Yang $600 per minute for this conversation. https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/fY4T4PtlD9

Sometimes, just to feel something, I’ll illegally copy keys that say “Do Not Duplicate.”

Imagine my anger when I found two thousand of my old monologues on the Calm app.

So far I’ve been mistaken for three of the women in “The 355.”

RT @vulture: Believe it or not @mosesstorm was not conceived at an Ivy League a cappella concert! Stream Trash White on @hbomax January 20 https://t.co/irIa98Oyvl

If you think the violin isn't cool you haven’t heard my fan Jesse play Guns N' Roses on his "shoulder guitar." https://t.co/pfOk23nSHZ https://t.co/1znIi8dJ9k

I’ve become one of those helicopter parents, where I fly my private helicopter instead of spending time with my kids.

Ugh, the new Batman is rated PG-13. Anyone wanna buy a thousand “Free Mask Rides” t-shirts?

I’m seeing so many lovely memories of Bob today. He was extraordinarily sweet, genuine, and always generous with his talent. My heartfelt sympathy to Bob’s family and his fans all around the world. 

https://t.co/jjPm5sxwqE

While we were chatting, Zach Galifianakis asked his wife if she wanted to meet me. She declined. https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/rF6VOUHpk0

I haven’t seen an online sports betting ad in almost 7 minutes. Am I dead?